originally published in North by Northwestern
During that mystifying, exhilarating event known by us as the Big Bang, when matter and energy exploded into existence, the evolution of that pregnant chemical soup into Max Powers, a prime specimen of the highest and obviously most evolved form of intelligent life, was all but assured to be true.
In fact, considering the odds of his existence, he was essentially the required product, the precipitate of the grandest chemical reaction of the cosmos.
And as he sat sipping coffee at a Starbucks not far from his birth-home, his own cosmic relevance lighting his blood with the fire of conviction, his divine purpose was increasingly clear to him.
“HOW MANY TIMES - NO DRINKING PRODUCT ON THE JOB, YOU HEAR?”
His ears still ringing, Max grudgingly went back to work, thinking of just how blind his manager was. Here was Max Powers, possibly the only human capable of saving the sorry lot of his peers, serving shoddy cups of café to the all those “productive” zombies. The idea of all that lost potential, those missed opportunities - it was enough of a reason for a national outrage! He should be the one headlining on that TV! Who cares about the World Series?
But Max wasn’t too impatient; he knew he had a special responsibility. Perhaps his supreme mission required him to bid his time. There was no doubt in his heart that he was destined to be at least the world’s greatest super villain, if not superhero. But in the meantime, who would watch over the breasts of those Virgins of Heroism, Chivalry, and Honor? Who would rappel down the mountains of Deceit and go spelunking into the caves of Duplicity to rescue Innocence?
“No. The world needs a hero. And Max Pow - I will be that hero!”
While Max Powers pondered the complexity of the Universe to plan his next move, Lily Waters quite serendipitously stepped into the store. She definitely had a presence, with her smooth brown hair and characteristic disgusted expression. He had, haltingly, taken her order for weeks but still couldn’t shake off the visceral desire to strip away all the matter that clouded her naked energy. They were made to be together. No really, they were! Max Powers - the hero of humanity, and Lily Waters - the perfect complement to his powers. It was only a minor hiccup that she seemed oblivious to his every attempt at conversation. No, the bigger issue was for Max to hide his super hero identity, a tough job considering how innately imposing he was for others. He didn’t want his emotional dependents to constantly worry about his safety as he saved the world from catastrophe…
“Tall Chai Latte.”
As Max poured out the coffee, almost spilling it in his hurry to serve Lily, he was struck with a brilliant idea. For all the complex machinations of time and space that molded matter and energy into his radiant being, it was hard to judge at times what the Universe wanted him to do. But he had definitely outsmarted Heisenberg this time; this plan was certain to work.
“Um, congratulations!” he began nervously. “You’ve won, er, a special, bonus party invitation for valued members!”
“I’m a valued member here? That’s sad…”
“It’s, uh, this Thursday evening actually! On the roof of this building. We’ll have - we’ll have some local bands,” stammered Max Powers, thinking furiously. He’d always seen her with headphones. “Oh, and everyone gets a fifty dollar gift card.”
“Hmm, sure, I can be bored for fifty bucks,” muttered Lily rather vaguely.
Served with Chai Latte and booked for Thursday. The quasars were definitely lighting up in Max’s favor this week.
Thursday could not arrive soon enough. Sweating straight through his shirt, Max Powers nearly fainted as Lily Waters finally walked in.
“Hey, you’re that Starbucks guy. Am I at the right place? There’s like no one here…”
Max Powers shuddered, but beamed nonetheless. He mustn’t let trivialities like names eclipse his magnificent union with Lily Waters.
Because only Max Powers could pull off a highbrow party on the roof of a coffee shop, the event began with the obligatory finger food. The mood was set with a bit of soft music that was spicy with modern flair: the perfect environment for pleasant small talk. There was no doubt in Max’s mind that Lily would be absolutely thrilled to be at this party.
“This party is dead,” Lily said to the roof at large.
Thinking quickly, Max muttered: “I know, right? I can’t believe my manager forced me into working overtime for this.”
“Dude, your job doesn’t suck half as much as mine. Try being a clerk at the Parks department.”
And so the two talked for a while, to Max’s tremendous amazement. He had moved up from just eye contact to names in a few days. Third base couldn’t be too far away…
“POWERS! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?” yelled the disembodied voice of the manager through a set of speakers Powers had smuggled upstairs. “WHERE IS ALL MY STAFF? Where
- WHERE IS ALL THE FOOD?”
The sky was falling on Max Powers’s head. In a few minutes, the roof was quickly deserted of all the staff sane enough to avoid the manager’s wrath. In the pell-mell of mint brownies and half-empty hot chocolate cups, Lily Waters was nowhere to be seen. Dejected, Max Powers slumped down the stairs, headed for a small utility closet he often used to escape the manager. Simply imagining the place, in which he had left his distinctly personal touches, made him feel enveloped by the warmth of a Red Giant…
“Hey, watch it!” snarled a voice right as he brushed past someone to open the door of the closet.
To Max’s dismay it was Lily Waters. She couldn’t be in here - this was where he had planned his super-persona, where all of his future heroics were detailed. There was even a half-finished costume, complete with latex underwear and utility belt. No, he must act fast and defuse the situation.
“MAX POWERS!” he yelled, tackling Lily Waters down the stairs. The two snowballed spectacularly, knocking out two other people in the way and tumbling all the way down to land with a bone-crushing thud on the wooden floor.
“Get - off - er - me!” Lily screamed in a muffled voice, pushing Max’s legs away from her face.
“You’re safe,” Max managed to mutter as he got up, “I mean - "
Lily swung a powerful blow, knocking Max to the ground, and after yelling, “Jerk!” stormed out of the shop. Just in time, the manager barreled down the stairs, his voice cracking with anger. It was a while before Max fully recovered his hearing.
A lesser man would have decided to reconsider his boldness after these events and learn a lesson or two, but Max Powers was no ordinary man. Lily Waters was but a passing comet, a clueless wench in the presence of incalculable power. He remained determined to fulfill the role of savior of mankind, and player of womankind. In fact, it was even easier now that the manager had recognized his potential and cut him loose from his job. He was finally free to don the costume, with an additional makeshift cape, and operate out of his secret underground base, cleverly disguised as his parents’ basement.
So, while galaxies may bubble with bursts of deadly gamma rays and stars may flush inexorably towards singularities, never fear, for Max Powers is here.